6-28-2011

I feel like an empty shell right now. It seems like life and creativity has been sucked out from me and there's this hollow space enveloping my very being. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell everybody how hard it is for me to lose myself, my persona, this person inside me. But I can't. I don't have the guts. I don't even know why I feel like this. This feeling of being left alone by things you can't hold, things that exist but intangible. I feel like this person writing this is not the same person from two years ago. Something's changed.   Like for a brief moment of time, a spark, something disappeared and it took everything. I just can't write anymore. I can't draw anymore. I can't sing anymore. I can't talk to people anymore. It is very depressing and lonely yet sometimes it feels like it is what I wanted. There's something else happening. I am crippled by the emptiness and it is not helping me in any other way. Even reading books, which used to be my refuge in times of grievances, is making me sad and doubtful. I am not me anymore, yet it is me.

There is something wrong. 

How to care for Introverts

I am an introvert. Or so I believe I am.

Bloody Mouth

My body is infested with ant bites

Because it's been months and days and hours and minutes and seconds that I finished writing and shooting my first film, I decided to write a script again. After looking through my "blackbook" (it's actually red in color) of ideas, I decided to choose another concept on psychology of a person. Yeah, it's my favorite genre- psychological thriller/drama/horror/comedy or whatsover.

So yeah, now what?

May Multo sa Kwarto Ko

Hindi masarap ang tubig na niluma na ng panahon.


Hindi masarap ang tinapay na matagal nang naka-kahon.


Subalit wala ka nang magagawa,


Hindi ka na muling makaka-ahon.

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♫ Lenka- Like A Song ♫

Puting Ilaw

Puting Ilaw

Isinara mo ang iyong mga mata. Isinara mo ang iyong mga mata at sinabi mo sa iyong sarili, “Sa wakas, tapos na.” Lumipas ang ilang minuto, ilang oras. Ika’y humimlay puno ng kasiyahan. Nakita mo ang kapayapaan. Sa wakas tapos na. Nang isinara mo ang iyong mga mata ay ayaw mo nang bumalik pa.

***

Lakad. Lakad. Lakad. Iba’t ibang kulay ng ilaw ang nakapaligid sa iyo. Mga ilaw na gumagabay sa’yo sa tuwing ika’y tatahak sa mabaho at maduming kunwa’y paraiso ngunit isang malaking kulungan ng mga gamu-gamo. Sinusundan mo ang mga ilaw- pula, asul, dilaw, asul, pula, asul, dilaw. Sa iyong pagsunod sa mga ilaw, alam mong sa dulo ay makakarating ka sa iyong tahanan- o himlayan. Matapos ang isang mahabang araw, ngayon mo lang naramdaman na tila ang iyong mga paa ay naglaho na lang bigla. Naglalakad ngunit tila nakalutang at walang nararamdaman. Pagod ka na.

***

Hindi na kita mahal. Hindi na kita mahal. Hindi na kita mahal.

Mga salitang paulit-ulit na tumuturok sa utak mo. Bawat yapak ng paglutang ay saksak sa puso’t isipan. Hindi mo mawari ang iyong nararamdaman.

Hindi na kita mahal.

Tila isang pusang gala na naghahanap ng bahay na matutuluyan. Patuloy ang pagtahak- asul, pula, asul. Walang tao sa kalye kundi ang mga lalaking naghahanap ng kaligayahan at  mga babaing katawan ay ginagawang kasangkapan.

***

Lakad. Lakad. Lakad. Tila wala nang ilaw na nakapaligid sa iyo. Wala nang gumagabay sa iyo. Malinis ang lahat. Lingon dito, lingon doon. Naramdaman mo sandali ang iyong mga paa. Hindi ka makagalaw. Nakita mo ang puting ilaw. At nawalan ka na muli ng pakiramdam. Tila ika’y nasa himpapawid, walang pakiramdam, at lumulutang. Salamat sa puting ilaw.

***

Maingay. Mga boses na bumubulong ng mga salitang para sa iyo ay walang katuturan. Puting ilaw ang bumabalot sa iyong kapaligiran. Mga taong nakapaligid sa iyo ay tila nagugulumihanan. Ngunit ika’y walang nararamdaman kundi tila tubig na umaagos mula sa iyong ulo patungo kung saan man. Kapayapaan, ito ang iyong paglalarawan.

***

Isinara mo ang iyong mga mata. Isinara mo ang iyong mga mata at sinabi mo sa iyong sarili, “Sa wakas, tapos na.” Nang isinara mo ang iyong mga mata ay ayaw mo nang bumalik pa.

I am not a human being

 

For the past few days, I've been looking at other people meticulously and have been examining them (not like the i-am-a-rapist-slash-doctor-kind-of-examining). While doing so, sometimes I feel like I hate them, or that I will hate them if we get to know each other, or sometimes i feel like I have to be with them. However, just today, I realized I am not like them- that I am not a human being, or something to that effect.

OMG I am so happy

It was all worth it. 

Last March 24, I died. But I lived again, thanks to the people who watched my film in UP Cine Adarna, and thanks to the unusually jolly panel (except "that one") who appreciated my film which I worked on so hard. 

My goodness, I don't know what words to put even though it's been 3 days already. I'm still having goosebumps, though I'm less nervous now (hello, I was trembling from head way down to my legs while my film was being screened, right, Nicki Dans?) However, it turned out quite well, except for a negative comment from one of the panels. Though only a few people watched it (since mine was screened morning), it was all worth it. Too bad Sir Lito wasn't able to go, but Christopher and Carmina was there! 

What did the panel say?

- the cake was disturbing

-good cinematography, nice use of the house

-it could've been better if it was full-length

-the cake was disturbing

Yes, the cake. But it's okay. I'll just edit that out and edit things right. Heehee.

Now I'm writing random things. No coherence. Sorry, I am just happy and I'm still trembling from all the coffee I've been drinking and editing I've been doing the past weeks (my hands and arms actually became numb yet it hurts so much after the defense).

Now time to do the paper!

And the subtitles!

And more fine editing!

Yeeeey. Still a long way til graduation. But still.

Oh my goodness, I've thought of another film to do again. Might start developing on it. After my paper. :)

Oh, and thank you to all who helped. My parents, who really paid for my film. Without them, there is no thesis of mine. They love me, and I love them. So much.  There are my friends who never left me when I really needed them. You've been so good to me, now it's time for me to be good to you (but I always am!). 

______________________________

This film is about friendship. Strong friendship. 

"Don't do what you want. 

Do what you don't want.

Do what you're trained not to want. 

Do the things that scare you the most." 
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. 

Only assholes do that." 
— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

First shot

Graduating isn't that easy, especially for film majors like me. It takes a lot of sweat, a lot of money (hundreds please :| ) and maybe even a bit of blood and true friendship and love before you can finish everything off. You see, if you're a student majoring in Filmmaking in UP, you have to make a film as your thesis (well, for some people, they choose to make just a paper, for which I don't see the point). Then you have to do this and that and this and that and shoot. Why am I writing this? Well, because just two days ago I finished shooting my film (which was supposed to be finished two weeks ago, but for some instances...3rd day) and this is my first post here.

Thank you Sir Lito!

For more suspense. Hihi. :)

Though directing is not really my expertise or should I say, my line of work, it is a very good experience. Besides the "bad event" which happened during the first day, and the sad reality of going way past my expected budget, everything went well.

"IT'S A WRAP." I am now looking forward to the end of it all- well, for this sem actually.

To post-prod and to graduation. Excited much. Thank you crew and friends. And of course, to my parents. :)

To my future. And to Art. And to Cinema.


And here I cut my first post.

♫When I Dream - MYMP♫